Friday, August 8, 2014

Hurting and Healing

I have hurt someone that I love. I have caused pain to someone very close to my heart. It was not intentional. It came from a place of concern, compassion. But I am not here to defend myself. The purpose of this writing is to get in touch with my experience, with how I have been impacted.

An awareness dawns that this pain contributes to growth, the growth of this dear one, and, if I accept it, to my growth. This pain is an inherent part of the journey. Another's journey. My journey.  I am resistant to this part of myself, this part that causes pain to the people I love. I prefer to think of myself as someone that fixes things, that resolves issues and situations, that heals broken hearts and soothes tormented souls. And while I am grateful to those teachers in my life that have contributed to my growth, to my journey, those that have handed me my pain, I just don’t want to be that person.

I recognize that it is neither realistic nor possible to contribute in a solely positive way, yet also, that pain and growth are ultimately positive.

So I sit with this pain in myself, for having caused pain to another. Not so long ago I may have wallowed in shame or found a distraction. It's a testament to my growth that I no longer go down that road. I don’t numb this pain with food or shopping or cooking or social media.

While I would like to close my eyes and hold my breath and wait for it to pass, I find the courage to look my pain in the eye, and face it, and inhale deeply, and feel it coursing through my veins. I embrace this pain, this necessary part of my journey.

This experience has taught me well.  I am not likely to repeat this one, but I’m sure there will be other such moments. I will, once again cause pain to someone that I love, unintentionally, but pain, nonetheless. For that is the cycle of life. I have free will, but I am not in control. The effort is mine, the results are not. Even the purest intentions can cause harm. On that same token, the goodness that comes through my action, the positive impact that I have, that does not belong to me either. I am merely a small part of something much greater than myself.

I pray for a time when I can make peace with all of my journey, where I no longer judge this process, where I can surrender to this rhythm of life, where I recognize that my choices, and my intentions, do not determine whether I aid in the recovery or I contribute to the pain. I have no control or equal control of the part of me that heals and the part of me that causes pain to those I love.


In deep humility,

Chana



with so much gratitude to Dr. D for her insight and perspective

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