Monday, September 9, 2013
Permission to Cry
My heart shatters into many bits and pieces and somehow puts itself together again. My child is in pain, physical pain; and while I’d like to crumple into a heap and sob, I need to remain present and strong for her. I breathe with her and and brush her hair. I encourage the use of imagery, I make an honest attempt at energy healing. I’m guessing I look ridiculous, because she giggles, and in that giggle a small part of my soul mends. I assure her that one day, she too will be willing to stand on her head and spit nickels if that’s what it will take to diminish her child’s pain.
She cries and screams in agony and I bury my face in her hair and cry. I give hugs, kisses, massage. In my limited way I do my best, but my best is not enough for tonight. “I wish I was dead.” I break in half, in quarters, into fragments. I am not so resilient. Please G-d, give me her pain.
Medication and distractions slowly kick in. We all breath a sigh of relief. We all experience the respite. Now I can safely cry.
Everyone settles, by the grace of G-d, and I find comfort in mundane tasks such as sweeping the floor and washing dishes. As I get ready for bed my baby stirs and I scoop her up in my arms and we nurse. I can hardly say ‘she nurses’, this is a mutually beneficial situation. I am grateful for the hormones released into my bloodstream as she gulps and snuggles and stretches. I feel calm and settled and marvel at the miracle of this child, at the blessings she brings to my life and the tears are flowing once again. Just as I put her back down, as a fat little thumb finds its way into her mouth and I kiss her sweet head, I hear my six year old calling.
I help her with a drink and adjust her blanket and sit with her as she drifts back into peaceful slumber and with her eyes closed, the sleepiest voice says “I’m so glad you’re my mommy”.
Sob. Weep. Overwhelmed with gratitude. Vulnerability. Blessing. My heart overflows. Resilience is not needed. I am not alone. My light is rekindled by the abundance of love that surrounds me. I am truly blessed.
I’m thinking that I have been given written permission to cry.